The Bricker Saga-1st Trimester

Okay, so here's how I'm going to do this. So much has happened over the last few months (has it really been months since I've blogged!!) and I don't want to forget ANYTHING that I'm going to break down everything by giving each "event" it's own post. I guess I'm doing it mostly this way for journaling purposes (I'll be honest, I don't keep a real journal-this is it. If I want to remember something, it has to go down on the blog), but also so that I don't overwhelm myself (or you the readers) by trying to finish it all in one post/sitting. Also, I warn you, I'm going to treat these next few posts as real journal enteries so some things will be very personal, honest, and maybe somewhat abrupt, so I ask that you please don't judge me or my family. This summer has been one of trials, faith promoting experiences and an outpouring of blessings and I want to document everything that happened to us so that I remember all the lessons and experiences that I/we went through. Enjoy!

1st Trimester:
So I'll start from where I left off. I was pregnant and sick, sick, sick! This is kind of a tender subject with me because I have so many wonderful and amazing friends that struggle on very deep levels with fertility. Hearing 1st hand about their trials makes me feel almost gulity for being able to get prengant so easily. Both times that I've wanted a baby I've gotten pregnant pretty much right away. I've never had a miscarriage. And I carry my babies with no problems (on the baby side) from day 1 until delivery. I've often wondered how and why Heavenly Father can watch some of his most precious daughters suffer over the desire to bear childern, while others who couldn't care less if they have children (and some who don't want their babies at all), are blessed with that ability. But I'm sure He cries along with you, and I know that HE understands your pain and wishes it could be another way. I understand that some concepts are not meant for us to grasp in this lifetime, and those righteous mothers who desire children so badly will have the opportunity to raise children in the next life, but it doesn't make their suffering or pain any easier for me to understand or watch. I just pray that all justice will be met, if not in this life, in the next.

That being said, being pregnant is my trial. As unfair and cruel as it sounds, being pregnant is THE hardest thing I have ever had to do and there are times during both my pregnancies that I have wished for a miscarriage, even prayed for one because the pain-both emotional and physical-was almost more than I could bear. I am so ashamed to admit that. So ashamed, and even now I cry just thinking about what an awful thing that is, but it's the truth. I distinctly remember several weeks ago kneeling by my bed and begging Heavenly Father to take this baby and give it to somebody else as tears poured down my cheeks. It just wasn't fair for me to have this baby when somebody else would willing go through the pain I was going through, just to have that blessing of a beautiful child. But I absolutely could not make it through one more day of the non-stop vomiting, the tubes in my arms, the weakness from lack of food and water taking over my body so that I could do nothing but lay on the couch and watch my baby play by himself all day for months. I couldn't shower for days at a time because I couldn't stand up long enough to take one and I changed my clothes, maybe, every other day.

The emotional pain was even worse. I couldn't hold Tyler, hug him, or sing to him at night like I have done every night since he was born. I know years from now, he will never remember that, but that didn't make it any easier for me to watch him cry on the floor because he was hungry and I couldn't feed him because I didn't have the energy to walk or even crawl to the kitchen; or to have to watch Bobby drag him away from me as he tried to climb up to me on the couch to have me read him a book. I struggled with the conflicting feelings of having the desire to help our family grow, while trying to decide if what I had to go through was actually worth it. When Heavenly Father commanded us to have children did He actually mean me, or just those women who could more easily bear children? And I'm not going to lie, I had a problem with the "why me's?" Why does this have to be my trial? Why not some teenager that couldn't keep her hormones straight on prom night? Wouldn't that be more fair?!

Not only is it a trial on my body, my emotions, and my relationship with Tyler, but being pregnant puts a very big strain on the relationship between Bobby and I. I'd like to think that after 4 years of marriage we're stronger than this. That we know what it takes to have the perfect marriage. That we are pro communicators and never have any problems. I am so embarrased to admit all of this, but maybe some of you long time married folks are still having some struggles in your marriages too. I guess that's how you keep learning and falling in love over and over right? In May and June Bobby was taking summer classes and working full time. He came home every night exhausted only to be met with a house that looked like 5 children lived there rather than 1, piles of dirty laundry, no clean dishes, no dinner, a starving child, a dying wife and loads of homework. At first(for like a week)he felt bad for me, but then the stress of it all started adding up. Bobby is not one to EVER complain, instead he shuts down. He says he does everything that needs to be done because it HAS to get done and there's no reason to complain about things that cannot be changed. So he did everything he had to do, but didn't talk to me-not because he was mad at me, he was just frustrated that he was part of a situation he couldn't fix(such a guy!). And I didn't talk to him because I didn't care. How's that for bratty?! But I was seriously just too sick to care that he was stressed, almost too sick to even notice. I never asked about his day, he never asked about mine. We didn't talk about anything! We didn't laugh, we didn't touch, we didn't even really acknowledge each others existence. He came home, did what he needed to do, and we went to bed. I don't know if you've ever tried that with your spouse, but it doesn't work. If no communication is going on, the relationship goes downhill...fast! Especially if that's the way it is every day for several weeks. I think every couple is different, some of you would have sat down talked things out, kissed and made up. It was just too far past that point for us. We needed a break from one another...bad. He needed a few weeks to finish up school without the stress of keeping his wife alive, and I needed a few weeks to not feel that I was a constant burden to someone. That's the point where I decided it would probably be best if we (Tyler and I) went to stay with my mom for awhile. Tyler and I would get taken care of, my mom would be in heaven, and Bobby and I would get the break we needed to realize just how much we needed each other. Which is exactly what happened. We were gone for 2 weeks, the longest I've ever been away from Bobby, and when we got back it was like we were newlyweds! It was sick! But we would stay up talking all night, he was more caring and considerate, I was more helpful and open and we talked through ALL of the things that were making us both crazy before. Problems were solved, hearts were mended, and the relationship was saved. Bobby even wrote me the most heartfelt/romantic letter I have ever received from anyone (which if you know Bobby you probably don't believe that for a second, but I promise he wrote it, it was in his handwriting!! :) ) while I was gone and gave it to me the night I came home. *And just as a side note, that was the first letter he has ever written me, EVER, which of course made it all the sweeter and better!* It was seriously like we were falling in love all over again. I now understand what they mean when they say that not only is it possible, but a must, to fall in love over and over with your spouse. We realized how important it is to cling together and rely on one another, as well as our Father in Heaven during trials, rather than to pull away and sulk in our own seperate worlds. A lesson we didn't even realize we would need to face again just a couple weeks down the road. (future post) I'll just say this, Heavenly Father knows what he is doing. If we trust in Him, His will, His way, we will be blessed greatly for our faith. My mom always reminds us that, it is after the trial of our faith that the blessings come.

Even as I prayed for this baby to be taken away from me, I knew that that was not Heavenly Fathers plan for me or for this child. This baby is going to be a very special part of our family and I know that I am meant to be his/her mother and that it is necessary for me to go through this trial. I don't exactly know why just yet, only that my struggles throughout this pregnancy are part of a much greater plan so I need to not only endure them well, but also take for granted every lesson I learn to prepare me for future trials ahead.

Please don't take this post as me asking for pity or complaining about my lot in life. I simply wanted to document this part of the trial so that I will more fully appreciate the blessing in the end, as well as all the blessings along the way.